Three little letters

I was recently diagnosed with OCD. It comes along with the diagnoses of PTSD, Insomnia and Major Depressive Disorder. We'll chat about those other words another time. When you, or maybe just me, first get a diagnosis about something you can get a bit bogged down with the details. Then there is the research of needing to know exactly what everything means in its intended context. The research...oh the research. How daunting it can be. My brain works in odd ways sometimes in that one day I will do extensive research on a subject and other days I have to will myself to not look into research further. I try to stay away from main stream media beyond an initial headline or two because it just puts me into a helpless spiral of wanting to help or change the world, but not being able to. What can I do to help this situation is a question I ask every day of my life in every single situation. When I don't have an answer or a way to help then I become burdened with those thoughts. The OCD direct line to MDD is now becoming more apparent to me. It's not that I don't care about all the latest headlines or don't want to talk about them, it's simply that I don't have much to contribute to making the headline change.

I suppose I have known for awhile about OCD in certain ways. What I didn't know is that OCD is not just being germophobic in needing to wash my hands or germ-x after any outing outside of my house, but it is also the fear of cross contamination. It is also having unrelentless thoughts about not being good enough or saying the wrong thing or needing to have constant clarification in case something was taken the way I didn't intend it to be taken. Thanks to PTSD for also making me hyper aware of every facial expression and body language signs that tell me I have upset a person or that a person doesn't particularly care for me. OCD isn't just seeking reassurance that doors are locked and the stove is turned off, but also seeking reassurance for friendships and loved ones approval and even more so for me, the reassurance that friends and loved ones are still friends and loved ones. "Hey, are we good?" "Hey, just making sure I haven't done anything to upset you?" "Hey, just checking in with you. Are you doing okay?" These are questions that plague me daily with OCD. I didn't know the things I do have a definition until I was diagnosed. Well, even then, I'm still learning about everything those three little letters encompass and mean for me. I know it is different for everyone. For me, it is finally putting a definition to the "why" of some things I do. For me, it is understanding that not everyone can love me though it. I have a very different outlook in life than a lot of people. I always want to be helping and I always want to be treating people the way I want to be treated. I love to love people through it...whatever "it" is. I think the world is far too unkind to not love people through the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life.

It's weird to know you have something, but then get diagnosed and it become more of a reality. What is the reality of OCD? How do I improve myself so I'm not so overwhelming to myself and to those around me? Do you know how many times a day I have to put truths to almost everything? "I feel like this person is upset. Did I do something to upset them. Let me think about all of the possible things I could have done. No, I didn't do anything to upset them. Okay, why are they acting or reacting in this way? Why is there less conversation? What can I do to help this situation?" These things happen daily and are very rapid fire in that they happen in less than a minute in my head. I didn't even know this was one form of OCD. There are lot of forms of OCD and I have several. Reassurance, germaphobia, and moral OCD are my biggest forms. I very likely have sub-forms, but just haven't linked them together yet. Moral OCD...yeah that is a big one. Not fun. I definitely didn't know that most people don't have the same kind of moral scale that I do. I think that lying is no good, and I get very hurt when someone does lie. Most of the time, I know. Most of the time, I take that as an inherent showcasing of their character in life. I thought this was how most people think. Nah, just me. This is why I am always quick to clarify anything that I have said or done that may be taken in the wrong way because I don't ever want anyone to think I lie. Most people I love dearly, lie. It's just the facts of life that most people are okay with little white lies or even straight up intentional lying. It's rough. I despise my brain sometimes when I know these facts and then can't do anything except overlook or turn the other way. If there is anything about myself that I wish wasn't a thing...I wish I didn't notice every single detail and facial expression of people. I think life would be so much easier if I just had a "normal" functioning brain. But, I don't. OCD is very controlling of me and something I have to work on every minute of every single day. "You don't need to wash your hands again, Ash. You just washed them and you haven't touched anything." "You have asked if someone is upset, they said no, believe them. Don't look at the crease above their brow or the twitch in their face. If they are upset about something then it is their responsibility to bring it to you."

How about OCD paralysis? I didn't know this was attributed and linked together either. I am a very self aware person. It's annoying how much I annoy myself. I can only imagine how much I annoy others. The decision making paralysis is very real. It's is incredibly difficult for me to make a decision about most things because my mind becomes like Sherlock and I just examine all the possible outcomes and all the possible scenarios at once. The best example I can give is when I play boardgames. I become a little....let's call it obsessive shall we? Haha, at least I can join in on the poking fun of myself. Anyway, I have to think about my move and how it will not only affect me, but also how it affects others, and then I have to think about how someone else will likely make a move based on x,y,z criteria and then do that for every player. It is dumb. My brain is dumb sometimes.

So, out of all the types of OCD, I think I have listed at least 5 in this blog that affect me daily. I wanted to share this because, just the same with anything else, I hope to help someone else. Maybe someone will read this and think, "hey I'm not alone in this world." That is always my goal. To love others and help others know they aren't alone. I think I have felt alone with these intrusions all my life and just didn't know they had a name. It's the "when in need, sow a seed" method of thinking. When I am in need, I reach out to make others feel loved and by doing so I don't feel so alone.

Until next time friends and with much love and peace,

Ash